


He dances on in life

by martainez



Series: perfectly imperfect [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Not really though, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 05:22:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15112673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martainez/pseuds/martainez
Summary: "But, Dan, you said 'forever'""But 'forever' was never for us, love"Phil wakes up alone, just like he's been doing every day for the past year.





	He dances on in life

The cold breeze of an April morning woke me up and caused me to shiver, I pulled the duvet up to my chin and curled up to try to savour all of my body heat. A year ago I would have reached out to the warm body next to me and laid my head on his chest, listening to the steady heartbeat of the man I love. But it's not a year ago, and I'm waking up alone in my own bed. With a washed out duvet- _our duvet_ \- which lost all of its bright, blue and green colours sometime about a year ago. I'm waking up, wearing a t-shirt and pyjama pants, because there's no one here wanting to touch nor see my bare skin. 

I sat up, _what's the meaning of lying here, single, in my double-sized bed anyway_. I took a deep breath, regretting it as soon as memories from mornings of waking up to the smell of someone making you breakfast started flooding my mind. I need to stop, re-create a morning routine that doesn't leave me crying on the edge of my bed every day. Dan doesn't do this, he moved on a long time ago, I'm sure. 

It took me a while, but eventually, I found myself standing in the kitchen, pouring myself a cup of coffee. I looked around, the kitchen chairs still stood exactly how he'd left them when he walked out of the room for the last time. I didn't want to rearrange them, in fact, I didn't want to touch them at all. We were sat on them _That Day_ , sipping tea and eating out-dated biscuits and fluffy, strawberry-scented marshmallows. The mood had been normal, I hadn't suspected a thing. He looked at me with that expression that made me feel like I was something worth looking at. And then he said it. He said it casually, as if it didn't matter to him that he broke my heart. That he took everything I believed in and threw it out the window. As if he thought that I would be as strong as him, be able to shrug and just dance on in life. He didn't even show regret when I started crying, he didn't cup my face and kiss my nose like he used to do. He walked out of the room. Then he walked out of the apartment and never returned again. 

_"But, Dan, you said 'forever'"  
_ _"But 'forever' was never for us, love"_

I grabbed my cup of coffee from the kitchen counter and walked into the lounge to sit on the sofa. Maybe I could drench all my memories with some brain-dead entertainment. I reached for the remote control which was located on the coffee table. Suddenly I paused in the middle of the movement, for standing on the table was a framed picture. It's not a surprise really, I knew it was there, but it still managed to freeze me every time it caught my eye.The photograph, captured at a friend's birthday party, showed two boys. One wearing black and white plaid and the other a shiny black jacket. They smiled, happily unaware of their destiny. I remember the conversation we had just after the photo was taken, how I had peeked the photographer over the shoulder just to get a glimpse of the photo. I remember turning my head towards Dan and saying:  
"Ink suits us both," he gave me a soft smile then.  
"Ink?" he said confused before slowly nodding and letting his smile die down. "Yeah, ink and ashes, maybe that's us," 

I hadn't understood that comment back then. I just went on with the evening, greeting friends and drinking sugary beverages. But now, a year later, I get it. Maybe that was everything we were; ink- empty words written on a piece of paper that someone crumpled and threw away. Ashes- the result of a fire that burned down a long time ago. A symbol of grief, something unhappy; dead emotions. I laid the framed photograph face down on the table. I don't want to remember us as ink and ashes. Because our love was a red rose newly sprung in June, freshly mowed lawns, sunshine and perfectly baked cookies. We were happy- we were forever. Or, at least I was.

_I was happy and I thought he wanted me forever._

I returned to my bedroom, the floor covered in memories of a happy life. Clothes scattered everywhere, garments that we tossed away in a moment of passion. I couldn't clean them up, everything making me mourn at the memories of our lost touch. There's jewellery hanging around, small pieces of plastic studs and hoops. Friends told me to throw them away, they're useless. And sure, it's pieces of plastic without any real value, but to me, they are one of my most valuable belongings. Maybe because they're not really mine, maybe because that's one thing he left behind. He took my heart, my feelings and my love- but left his earrings. Maybe they're what keeps me alive now that I have nothing.

I laid down in bed again, the cold duvet surrounded me. I closed my eyes and let a single tear run down my cheek. I snorted at it, because what is the reason to cry if there’s no one there to dry your eyes?  
"Dan doesn't love me anymore, he won't care if I cry, so why should I waste my tears on him?" I whispered to the empty room. More tears threatening to spill, I swallowed hard to try and steady myself, to no avail. The tears streamed down my face. Memories overflooding my brain, playing scene after scene from the movie that was our life. I saw nineteen-year-old Dan's dimpled smile approaching me at a train station somewhere in the north of England. I saw two long arms embrace me in the warmest of hugs. I saw chapped lips part as they brushed mine. But then I saw tears, endless of tears. Blood, dripping and gathering in a puddle. Screams, flinches, broken hearts and misery. And I couldn't take it anymore, because that's not how our story went. So, to suppress all the footage that played in my head I let out a shriek. I screamed at the top of my lungs, not caring if anyone heard. 

 

» «

  
"Phil!" someone yelled, ripping me out of sleep. I jerked up to a sitting position, with my back resting on the headboard. I tried to catch my breath and looked around confused as to where the voice had come from. Suddenly I felt a hand on my knee and looked down at it in shock, following the hand, up the arm, until I found the face of the person who was currently _intruding_ my bedroom. The chock only got worse as I recognized the face. Dan. He looked at me with concern evident in his eyes, mouth slightly open as if he was trying to find the right words to speak.  
"It was just a nightmare, love" he eventually spoke, slowly and gently as he saw the fear and confusion in my eyes. I shook my head.   
"This is not a year ago..." I whispered and closed and re-opened my eyes as if to re-start the situation. Dan was still there, lying next to me, without a shirt and buried underneath my duvet. I reached out, my hand cupping his jaw and fingers stroking the soft area under his eyes. He took his own hand and cupped mine.  
"No, it's not," he whispered. I tried to open my mouth to speak again but a sob escaped instead. Dan, with his worried expression, quickly pulled me into his chest. I could hear his heartbeat and that was enough to make me heavily cry. His arms stroked my back and upper arms as he whispered sweet nothings to me. 

It took me ten minutes to gather enough self-control to speak again. I lifted my head a little, just so that we could keep eye contact.  
"You left me," I trembled, a little proud that my voice didn't break halfway through the sentence. I could see the hurt in his eyes as he wiped away new tears falling down my chin with his thumb.  
"I won't leave you," he said, giving me a small smile.  
"You said that we won't be forever," I answered, trying to get answers to all the questions that were currently echoing in my head.  
”What about: ’for as long as _you_ love _me_ ’, then?” he said, pulling me up just enough to peck me on the nose. I laughed a little at that and his eyes lit up at the sound of my happiness.  
"Forever then," I giggled. Dan answered with his lips on mine. The kiss wasn't heated, it was slow and full of love and answers. I could feel his lips move against mine as he stated:  
"Forever it is". 

I fell asleep with my head resting on his chest and his arms slowly tracing patterns on my back. And when we woke up the next day we did the same thing we were willing to do every day from now on:

**_ We danced on in life, together.  _ **

**Author's Note:**

> The title's based on the Swedish song 'Hon dansar vidare i livet', which translates to: 'She dances on in life' or 'She's moving on'. Give it a listen, it's one of my favourites
> 
> I wrote this in the middle of the night while listening to Swedish music, and let me tell you how hard it is to think in English while singing along to 'snart skiner Poseidon och blåvitt står kvar'. 
> 
> Have a great day x.


End file.
